Friday, March 31, 2006
A little well-being goes a long way
…Today HA got a “Time for Me” catalogue, supposedly “Dedicated to the Art of Well-Being.” The art? Isn’t it a “state”? Dorky usage aside, maybe some well-being wouldn’t hurt, so HA started leafing.
…Weight loss products, weird vegetation from Africa. Well, many Africans are skinny, but probably not from voluntarily dieting or scarfing nearby bushes. This reminds HA she is a queenly person.
…Miracle eye serum. Check: Wrinkled.
…Age spot remover. One, it never works, and two, it implies age spots. The only thing more unappealing is “liver” spots.
…Magnifying mirror. Omigod, those are horrible and have nothing to do with well-being, you sadists!
…Cellulite remover. Hey, most of it’s in the back. You can have well-being if you don’t peek.
…Thyroid stimulator. It IS glandular!
…Leg cramp pills. Ooo-something still to come.
…Personal amusement products. For facial massaging, of course.
…Maybe HA should get blackhead remover to go with that. Or pore reducer for those now yawning facial craters.
…Shampoo to make your hair curly. How about genetics to make your hair curly?
…Room freshener, nipple disguisers, supports to keep your pierced earrings from turning you into a Ubangi.
…Cream goggles for your time-ravaged eye sockets.
…"Support" bike shorts.
…Well-being? HA was almost in tears. She never thought of herself as a flabbery, thin-lipped, pitted, cramped, wrinkled, dimpled, sexually underserved crone with a smelly house and deformed earlobes.
…Bring back the delusions of adequacy, thank you.