Monday, March 13, 2006
Nexus of fashion, humor, and health
…For a “plus-esque” woman stuck in a little hut in the Arizona desert, HA is unduly interested in fashion. It’s a curse, really.
…5-pound copies of In Style, Harper’s Bazaar, and Allure warp every surface.
…Admittedly, a little of this is for comic relief. A black tulle skirt with a white wife beater and suspenders on top? HA imagines that ensemble sashaying out of Home Depot and the whole day seems to go better.
…Gazing at a $550 handbag is also good for a serotonin-producing guffaw.
…And what medical anomaly accounts for those 5-foot stalk legs on those women? Do you think it’s true that models live on cigs, cocaine, and wet Kleenex?
…Elastic figures prominently in HA’s wardrobe. Not comfy? Don’t wear it.
…HA’s fashion principle is: Put it on and SELL it. If you look good, you feel good…this even works if you just think you look good.
…HA also favors using her sister’s reject potions slathered over with Vaseline—and to prevent wrinkles, she recommends eating food so the fat is already there and doesn’t have to be transferred from your butt, which is costly and let’s face it, pretty uncool.
…Zsa Zsa (HA’s role model) once said, “At some point, dahling, a woman has to choose between her face and her ass.” Who is HA again—Health’s Ass? Or should that be, Ass Ass?
…ANY…WAY, in the March Harper’s Bazaar, some time-saving tips. For a fast manicure, paint on a coating of ridge filler (you do have ridge filler, I assume, ha ha). It looks like pale polish and it dries in 2 mins! Quick, cheap, and improvisey—HA’s top 3!
…To fake fuller lips, take an eyeshadow brush and sweep a taupe shadow onto the skin bordering the lips, stopping short of the corners. Then coat lips with a shiny gloss. HA is not sure on that one—wouldn’t you look like you had been kissing a coal miner?
…HA will share with you her own secret for making up crinkly old-lady eyelids—lipstick! Bronzy or lavender shades are like easy-to-apply cream shadow and moisturize all day without creasing.
…If your nails are yellow from products, massage in whitening toothpaste.
…OK, here is the kind of wacky fine-tuning these mags are known for. A trainer advises spurning dairy on a day you are wearing a tight outfit. “Dairy makes your stomach pouchy,” this guy sniffed. Oh, you’re looking a little bloated yourself! How to you like that, mister man?
…In a pinch, when you need to cover roots, use eyeshadow. Gold for blondes, brown to cover gray on darker heads. A little hairspray first helps it adhere. (HA gets a bad feeling about this one, please let her know how it goes.)
…For disobedient hair, a little Chapstick can smooth frizz. If you get desperate you can also use it on your lips.
…No, actually you can’t. No fashionista would use Chapstick. Oh, my dear, no.