…HA prefers a nice bloody shark bite and a shot at CNN.
…But, even without predatory sand, it's not all a...er, day at the beach.
…Never swim alone or in unsupervised places. Twenty-five percent of drownings take place when there is a lifeguard. Swim in front of him or her, not down a ways.
…Wear sunscreen. Put it on in the car—it takes a half hour to get working. All sunscreen needs to be reapplied every two hours—a higher protection number does not affect that. Did you know that?
…Flicker of lightning? Don’t wait for a second one—get out.
…Beaches are hot—drink fluids. Forget the booze—most drownings and boating accidents are alcohol-related.
…Bring plenty of ice—Fill jugs with water and freeze before leaving.
…Bring vinegar and maybe some ammonia, too. These take the string out of jellyfish attacks (photo).
…Be careful of insect repellents containing DEET. Spray clothes not skin. Don’t hose it all over little kids. DEET makes rats stumble around with brain damage.
…Bring autoinjectors if you have allergies. A little first aid kit from the drugstore is also good.
…Don’t swim with your dog—they thrash around. Sharks love that. Avoid murky water and don’t swim at night—same reason.
…And don’t forget those collapsing sand thingies. Maybe bring a shovel?
…OK…now have a nice time, ya hear?