Monday, June 03, 2013

I am old, not stupid


Maybe I watch too much Fox, but good grief--leave me alone with the old people hard sell! And Fox is not the only offender--my mailbox is also depressing.

I get mail appeals to bury me at sea, fix my presumed inability to hear, carve up my eyeballs so I can see better, give me pain free catheters, leakproof diapers, a radio to wear around my neck, a way to take this house off my hands in exchange for payments now, gold and silver bars, drugs that “may cause sudden events such as death,” drinks that will nourish me as a cheeseburger can't, expensive life insurance for people who buy it late in life, and a rickety-looking chair to raise me upstairs with excruciating slowness.

If I were a guy, I would be more interested, but the other gender is treated to constant assaults on their sexiness. How can people get it on from separate bathtubs, anyhow? No wonder they aren't getting any. And who has two bathtubs side by side?

And doctors and health plans! They won' let up. I got a questionnaire from my health plan asking me could I get out of a chair. Now that you mention it....only with difficulty and a lot of old-lady noises, but it's not your business. I am not telling you. You might send drones I am too feeble to outrun.

I also went to an ear doctor because my balance was bad (probably due to my lost eyesight from another ill-fated doctor encounter)--and he gave me a hearing test and said, yup, you need hearing aids and if you wait longer, they won't "work." Well, I heard THAT! and left. I still have bad balance.

And how about servers and ticket sellers who automatically give a discount to "the young lady." Call me that once, by the way, and kiss your choppers good-bye (you can get implants in one day, I hear).

I read the govt is expecting a "datapalooza" from all the health info they pry from us under the coming health care train wreck. Heaven knows what will be coming in the mail.

 But that's OK--I can hardly get to the mailbox. Fifty feet is a lot. I would need two baths after.

1 comment:

Star Lawrence said...

By the way--what is a "lifestyle lift" anyway? Three martinis instead of two?